Love in The Time of Narcissism

Feb 14th, 2013 | By | Category: Latest, Pakistan, Religion, Social

Arguably, love is the highest sentiment the human spirit is capable of. In essence, it is selfless, generous, liberating, sublime. It purges one of all that holds one down to the mundane and earthy. Kahlil Gibran famously writes:

“Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;
For love is sufficient unto love.
And think not you can direct the course of love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.”

The contemporary world is characterized by the ascendancy of materialism that has banished the spiritual and hence objectified, commercialized and marketized some of the most sublime values. The sacred sentiment of love has not been spared from being grotesquely tainted by it- so that we have it ‘expressed’ in expensive, stark-red balloons, roses, chocolates on sale all over shops in Pakistan. The local florist explained to an appalled me that the reason why the flowers were so shockingly costly was on account of something called ‘Vanteen Day.’

The hyped up, almost frenzied festivities on Valentine’s Day depict this cult of hedonistic Narcissism that has gripped us in its monstrous clutches. This makes our deepest and most sacred, private sentiment be expressed with a loud, bawdy exhibitionism that denigrates its sublimity and reduces it to a hollow shell painted in gaudy hues. This overzealous celebration of carnal passion symbolizes the perversion of the sacred that is an inevitable result of materialism.

We are taught to express and exhibit passion to satiate our own selfish lusts- spend enough to ‘prove’ our love, fall in love with ‘love’ romanticized by the popular media; to breathlessly pursue romantic love, chase it, possess it, flaunt it and gloat over it lecherously.
In a recent video released by a Pakistani band known for its mock-satiric music, the chorus goes, ‘Sub Paisey ki game hai’ (It is all a game of money). The circus on Valentine’s Day is driven by imperatives of the capitalistic marketplace ordering us to ‘shop till you drop’ to ‘prove’ you love ‘enough.’ This ‘commodification’ of love exploits a basic human emotion in order to make big business. In the process, love is reduced to chocolate bars, rosebuds, balloons- or diamond rings and designer dresses- according to income bracket, social class and of course, taste.

In a class discussion when I mentioned to my students how Valentines Day goes against the spirit and ethos of Islam, a student candidly retorted, ‘But it does not harm anyone’. Certainly it does not, at a fleeting look. However, deep within, when we partake of it, we concede that love is a ‘thing’ to be flaunted and bought with money, not made out of real, lived experience of sharing, giving, forbearing, forgiving, growing, treading life’s jagged paths together with a hand to hold, a shoulder to lean on. We negate the fact that love is made and found and relished everyday through little things you cannot buy with money; garnered painstakingly through smiles and tears and wounds and fears. In the process of celebrating this ‘harmless’ festivity, we actually condone the cruel, horrible things that go on outside the gates of girls’ colleges in the city, and inside young lonely hearts. I remember how in my college days girls used to talk of the surprise gifts from ‘secret’ or ‘known’ admirers and the less ‘fortunate’ ones shrank into themselves with shame and a haunting sense of loneliness and inferiority- often in physical terms. I found it heinous. The balloons and red-shirted urchins rampaging the streets and marketplaces tell me it is far worse for young people today.

Mark Vernon writes in his remarkable article, ‘Is Romantic Love a Bad Thing?’:

“I suspect that the desire for a peak experience of love has eclipsed the fact that love is primarily about others. The romantic myth would have us fall in love with love, paradoxically not with another. This twisted love whispers that it does not much matter who you fall for, only that you fall in love.

There is a spiritual dimension to this romantic addiction too. The philosopher Simon May has proposed that while many have given up on God in the West, we still long for the unconditional love that God used to offer.

But godless, we seek instead unconditional love from our fellow humans. We make them gods, and of course they fail us. And then love turns to hate. It’s a desire that, because of the excess, destroys love.”

“Ibrahim A.S- seeking spiritual fulfilment and coming to rest in the embrace of the Divine- had declared, “I love not that which fades away.” (The Noble Quran).

Selfless love that heals and gives and forgives arises out of this complete self-surrender encountering and recognizing the Perfect, Absolute Truth. This is why the festivals of Islam include compulsory charity and sharing of joy with the less privileged.

Modesty, said the Prophet (PBUH) is the distinguishing trait of Islam. Modesty implies revulsion towards exhibitionism and obscenity; it implies protection of the private, it implies dignity, humility, quietude, sincerity, purity. It is the crowning glory of a believer. The uproarious celebration of Valentine’s Day betrays the essence of modesty. It is a mindless aping of a culture entrenched in the Overblown but Minimal Self.

The age demanded an image
Of its accelerated grimace,
Something for the modern stage,
The “age demanded” chiefly a mould in plaster,
Made with no loss of time,
‘All things are a flowing’,
Sage Heracleitus says;
But a tawdry cheapness
Shall outlast our days.
Decreed in the market place.
(Ezra Pound: Hugh Selwyn Mauberley)

Maryam Sakeenah

About the author

Maryam Sakeenah teaches Sociology, Literature and Islamic Studies in Lahore, Pakistan. She authored a book documenting Islamic and Oriental responses to the Clash of Civilizations thesis. Maryam is also a social worker running an organization providing free virtual primary education for the poor.

Tags: , , ,

Leave a comment »

  1. Only in Pakistan can they take a harmless celebration of love between people and turn it into a threat against Islam…tolerance for other cultures is the mark of an advanced society…some elements of Pakistani society want to drag the people even farther backward into isolation than you are now…they are the enemy within…

  2. Greetings,

    Thank you for this article. I like its emphasis on the fact that love is primarily about others.

    All good wishes,


Leave Comment