Parents – My Bit for Change

He Needs Me Like I Needed Him

It was my nephew’s Annual Result Day at school. While parents lined up awaiting results, children were busy playing around. Suddenly, a very beautiful child while running to her sister, tripped over something and fell. Her dress went all muddy and she started crying with tears. In a flicker of second, while I was just thinking to step forward to comfort her, her father appeared out of nowhere, picked and hugged her while she was crying. He kissed her on her forehead and consoled her, “kuch nahi hua baita!” He didn’t care for his white starched ‘shalwaar kameez‘ which went dirty in no time. In next few seconds, the little angel was smiling again and running around.

I stood there smiling as I recalled this beautiful verse from the Holy Qur’an.

‘Lord be merciful to them as they have brought me up in my childhood’. 17:24

Bringing up children is not just taking care when the child is young. It’s about being there all the time for your child. It’s about giving all attention to your child despite your commitments. It’s about listening to your child’s stories when they comes back from school no matter how silly they sound. Parenting is all about sacrificing. But our parents do get weak and the cycle of attention and care does reverse when they grow old and when we are able to stand on our feet tall and confident.

I thought in the next second, how would my father have felt when on a weekend, I heard him coughing badly and with his back bent and asked, “what’s wrong? You never go to doctor in time and and take care of yourself?” – and he remained silent. Suddenly I realize, I have not been home for quite a few weeks due to my “job, commitments, meetings, dinners, hangouts, shopping” etc. How would I know how my father has been all this time? I tried to imagine what would have happened to me if he weren’t there to support me during my years of weakness and childhood due to his commitments; what if he had left me ‘unattended’ just a single day when I “sagheer” (young)?

He needs me more than he needs a doctor. Ageing is a natural phenomenon and it brings some inevitable things that he can’t help. He needs someone to listen to his heart. He still wishes to guide me by telling me his experiences but I am too busy to learn, what a shame!

We must realise that we have a very important commitment at home. There is a very important meeting waiting for us, we have VIPs (parents) at home counting on us, and moreover we have a golden opportunity to make our future here and the hereafter. Ask those who have lost parents or one of them. Ask those who never got any chance to ‘serve’ their parents. Love them, atleast, a bit of that what they gave to you as you can’t ever pay back their love and care.

Reminds me of Hadith here,

“ Abu Huraira reported Allah’s Apostle (may peace be upon him) as saying: Let him be humbled into dust; let him be humbled into dust. It was said: Allah’s Messenger, who is he? He said: He who sees either of his parents during their old age or he sees both of them, but he does not enter Paradise” (Sahih Muslim)

The Album of Life

There was once a world without you. Someone was celebrating your expected and awaited arrival and someone bore hardships and pains to bring you into this world. With the first click you land into this place which is a beautiful masterpiece of the creator. You are an adorable baby, a joy to your parents who bear those sleepless nights and support your helplessness with unconditional smiles on their faces. Just with a few more flicks, you are a daring toddler of your proud parents who cherish the first steps of your independence and confident walk. Your mind tells you that you can do it but your body disagrees. This still developing co-ordination between your brain and body makes you stumble. But there is always a pair of gentle hands to pick you and tell you, ‘You can do it’. Those hands and reassuring hugs make you fearless and failures do not scare you. Falls and bumps don’t stop you from experimenting new challenges.

You talk silly and they kiss you. You do not make sense and they hug you. You trip and they lift you high. You scribble lines and they appreciate you with raised eyebrows and dropped jaws. You do most silly things to catch their attention and make your presence felt. You go cross if ignored and they try to please you with hugs and kisses, hide and seek, ‘horse-rides’ on their backs etc. You can’t share them with any other child as you are too possessive about them.

With a few more flicks you are a confident school going child. Exams are the most difficult days in one’s life, you think. But, they support you and celebrate when you get down the stage after a performance or winning a race. Their world revolves round you. Their sleeps, social life, work and holidays; you are one factor that affects all of these.

Life is changing for you. You feel you are big and smart enough to know everything; a teenager filled with energy. Something in you tells you that you can conquer the world. Your ideals begin to change. ‘No’ is the word you don’t like to listen but would use often. You see colours in your life and with a few more flicks you have another beautiful person to fit in frame with you and soon the cycle repeats. You have a little one of your own and you are overjoyed with this little cry and chuckle in the house.

This album of life is strange; an overlapping connected series of circles where we all are in different stages of the track.

The lovely hands which cuddled you are now wrinkly and those bright faces are now sagging. The legs, which ran with you on the shoulders, are now weak. They trip and topple. Despite their physical weakness, their support makes your life and career successful. They are entering into the last phase of their lives. They have started talking silly. They sometimes make no sense at all. Laugh, cry or shout for no logical reason. Sometimes their ‘childish’ and attention seeking behaviour disturbs you. They need someone to talk to, sit with them and hold their disjointed wrinkly hands without even asking for a word, or sometimes just a word of love and a gentle smile exactly like you did when were young and silly but adorable to them, remember?

‘And whomsoever We bring to an old age, We reverse him in creation (making him go back to weakness after strength); so do they not understand?’ [Al-Qur’an 36:68]

Life goes on and a day comes when they reach their finish line in the circular track of life. (The circle doesn’t stop for anyone). The beautiful hands, the shady trees under which you felt safe, the warm hugs that gave you confidence are no more.

If you had any sleepless nights because of them, and you got a chance to feed and clean them like they did when you were young, consider yourself as an extremely lucky person, although no one can return the debts of parents’ love and hardship; not even a single scream of the mother when she cried and tried to bring you to this world and smiled immediately after you came in her arms.

Another flick! You’re a weak elderly with your children running for a ‘successful’ life and you are sitting in an armchair, reading newspaper with those glasses on and a walking stick by your side. Your mind is still young and keeps reminding you the highly energetic life you spent which involved struggle, joy, grief, and celebration, disappointment and hopes. But your body doesn’t agree. You know everything that the world holds, with people around you who think you know nothing, but they don’t realise they are just a few steps behind in the big circle of life.

The circle of life never stops. We don’t have a special eye to look at the future but our parents are a mirror of where life could take us. Our boasting energetic bodies and minds do not allow us to see that we’ll be in exactly the same state of feebleness, frailty and dependence if we live up to that age. Life is too fast and unpredictable and we are all running after ‘God-Knows-What’ with too little time to love each other. It’s the love and the loved ones who make life worth living. Let’s give our parents their rights, our love and respect. We can try to return at least 1% of what they’ve given us; sit with them, listen to them, obey them in Allah’s limits, smile at them, hug them often and feel the contentment and blessings of Allah that come our way. If we have this treasure and guaranteed entry to paradise and God’s pleasure, we shouldn’t waste our chance.

‘And your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him. And that you be dutiful to your parents. If one of them or both of them attain old age in your life, say not to them a word of disrespect, nor shout at them but address them in terms of honour. And lower unto them the wing of submission and humility through mercy, and say: “My Lord! Bestow on them Your Mercy as they did bring me up when I was young.” (Al- Qur’an 17:22-24)

Happy Father’s Day, Everyday!

Happy father’s day to everyone!!!!!!

“This is the day to express your love for your father, make him feel special on this Sunday. Father’s Day is a day honouring fathers and celebrating fatherhood, paternal bonds, and the influence of fathers in society.’’

These clips are not adverts from BBC, SKY or some other western channels, I saw them on a local
Pakistani channels here in the UK and I am sure this is true for all the other various channels that broadcast to millions of Pakistanis back home.

I just asked myself for a logical explanation as to what’s the point? Why is there only one Father’s day and only one Mother’s day celebrated in the Western society? So, in order to find an answer and justify the significance, I let my observation go wild and tried to encompass things which I have learnt being a very close observant of this society.

There is an absolute need to celebrate dedicated days for parents in a society where the bond between parent and child is very delicate and might be non-existent after a certain age and stage; A society where 3 in 5 women aged 75+ live alone. (attached is a graph which shows the percantage of men and women in UK living alone at different ages); where an old parent is a hindrance to fun filled life and where the slogan is ‘Be nice to your children as they are the ones who would decide which old house you’d end up in’ (reads a ‘humorous’ car sticker); where living with your parents is ridiculed by your mates, where an old parent falls on the floor of a lonely haunting house and there is no one to give him a hand to stand up again, until the milk delivery man comes next morning only to find no answer at the door and calls the police and ambulance. A society where mothers abuse and kill their children, youngsters abuse and beat the vulnerable elderly, fathers leave their partners to survive as ‘lone mothers’ who may be as young as mid-teens such dedicated days are indeed reminders of those vague bonds that exist by chance and not by choice.

The economic system here requires both parents to work to survive, which inevitably makes it difficult for them to spend quality time with their children. Such celebrations are required where children spend most of their time not in the company of their parents but child-minders, friends, mobile phones and internet. It’s a reflection of the society in which one-parent families on the rise. In the same society, morality dips down to the fact that they debate in the parliament on the very ‘need for a father’ to make a family and encourage lesbians to have children using IVF.

Rather than blindly copying (only the) useless traits of the West, let’s celebrate our values. Celebrate each day as mother’s day, a person whose cries at the time of childbirth can never be paid off and she keeps on bearing pains bringing us up and helping us keeping our head up high and reaching our goals; serving whom is more weighty than going to war in the way of Allah, if she is old and dependant. Celebrate everyday as father’s day in whose pleasure lies the pleasure of God and in whose displeasure lies the displeasure of God (according to a Tirmidhi Hadith).

And yes! Let’s be proud of a family system of respect which thankfully has been made an obligation by God upon us; which keeps us close and beautifully tied in the bonds of eternal trust and a package of ‘give and take’ throughout our lives. It is our family system and respect to our elders, religiously engraved on our minds which makes us proud and keeps us going in all the difficult times and has so far prevented us from a nervous breakdown. And it is this quality which non-Muslim parents feel as an obvious positive change in their ‘new converts to Islam’ children.

Does that make your head high enough to celebrate a trait which should be a trend-setter for other nations and not vice versa?

Come on! Let’s celebrate. Make our parents happy every day; the easiest way to please God every day.

“And your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him. And that you be dutiful to your parents. If one of them or both of them attain old age in your life, say not to them a word of disrespect, nor shout at them but address them in terms of honour” [al-Isra’ 17:23]